Wedding etiquette: a modern, respectful guide.

Etiquette exists because a wedding is one of the few events where dozens of families, friends, and paid vendors have to coordinate under emotional pressure. Clear defaults reduce that pressure for everyone. Read this guide the way a host reads a menu, and adapt where your community expects something different.

• Send save the dates six to eight months before the wedding, or eight to ten months if guests are traveling.
• Send invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding. Destination weddings send earlier.
• Address envelopes to every invited person by name. Vague envelopes ("The Smith Family") invite confusion about who is invited.
• Include a reply card with a self-addressed stamped return envelope, or a wedding website with a clear online reply.
• Set the reply deadline three to four weeks before the wedding, not one.
• Give both the ceremony start time and the guest arrival time if they differ.

The reasonable defaults:

• Married, engaged, or long-term cohabitating partners are always invited by name.
• Members of the wedding party are always given a plus-one.
• Guests who will not know anyone else at the wedding are usually given a plus-one.
• Single guests who will know other guests are not automatically given a plus-one; extend one selectively based on relationship and capacity.

Communicate the decision on the envelope (list both names) or through the reply card (name the number of seats reserved). Do not write "and guest" on invitations; it is imprecise and encourages confusion.

• Reply within a week of receiving the invitation. Never wait for the deadline.
• Reply for the exact people the invitation was addressed to. Do not add a plus-one or a child who was not invited.
• If you have to decline, do so promptly and with a short handwritten note. Do not explain more than one reason.
• If you have to change your RSVP after replying yes, tell the couple by phone as soon as possible.

A gift is expected from every invited guest, whether or not the guest attends. The gift can be off the registry when the giver knows the couple well enough to choose thoughtfully; otherwise the registry exists to remove guesswork.

• Guests have up to one year after the wedding to send a gift, but earlier is better.
• Cash and gift cards are appropriate and, in many New England communities, expected.
• Registries should include a range of price points and shipping to the couple's home, not the venue.
• Couples should send handwritten thank-you notes within three months of receiving each gift. A separate note is required for each giver, even for group gifts.
• Never mention gifts on the invitation. The wedding website is the correct place.

• Assigned seats (not just assigned tables) are appropriate for plated dinners over about 60 guests. It removes ambiguity and speeds service.
• Seat couples together. Seat single guests near people who will make good conversation, not with strangers in a corner.
• Family sits closest to the couple. Divorced parents get separate tables of equal prominence when the relationship is difficult.
• Give the wedding party a table of their own, or seat them with their partners at the sweetheart adjacent table.

State the dress code plainly on the invitation and website. Options in ascending formality: casual, cocktail, semi-formal, formal, black tie optional, black tie, white tie. Add a one-line description on the wedding website when the dress code could be misread ("outdoor black tie: floor-length gowns or tuxedos, comfortable footwear for the ceremony lawn").

Guests should not wear white or ivory. Guests should not upstage the couple with dramatic prints unless the couple has asked for it. Guests should always follow the stated dress code; if unsure, dress one step up rather than one step down.

Read every contract before tipping. Many New England caterers and venues include an eighteen to twenty-two percent service charge that goes to the staff. In that case, additional tipping is optional and should be handed to the captain in an envelope for distribution.

• Wedding planner or coordinator. Tipping is optional; a meaningful thank-you gift or written note is more standard.
• Catering staff. If service charge is included, tipping is optional. If it is not, ten to fifteen percent of the food and beverage total, handed to the captain to distribute.
• Bartenders. A flat gratuity per bartender is standard when service charge does not cover them; avoid a tip jar at a hosted bar.
• Photographer and videographer. Tipping is optional and situational. If they exceeded expectations, an envelope handed at the end of the night is appropriate.
• Hair and makeup. Fifteen to twenty percent of the service total, the same as at a salon.
• Musicians and DJ. Optional. A meaningful gratuity is common for a band that delivered a full night on the dance floor.
• Officiant. A donation to the officiant's house of worship is traditional; a flat gratuity to a civil officiant is appropriate.
• Transportation. Check the contract; gratuity is often included.
• Florist. Optional. A written thank-you is more common than a gratuity.

Prepare envelopes in advance, label them by vendor, and hand them to the day-of coordinator to distribute at the end of the night. Do not hand tips to vendors yourself during the wedding.

• Limit toasts to four: one host, one from each side of the couple, and the couple. Anything more risks losing the room.
• Give speakers a firm time limit (three to five minutes) and share it in writing.
• Give speakers a call time for the microphone; do not surprise them.
• The couple should always speak last, and always thank the guests, the parents, and the vendors, in that order.

• Feed every vendor working four or more hours on site. Confirm the vendor meal count with the caterer.
• Give vendors a printed timeline and the coordinator's contact number.
• Pay deposits on time and final invoices within the contracted window. Late payment is the single most common vendor complaint.
• Write a review or a thank-you note within a month of the wedding. Vendors depend on reviews and referrals.

When both sets of parents contribute, list both on the invitation. When only one set of parents hosts, list them. When the couple hosts, list themselves. Modern practice does not require rigid wording; clear wording that reflects who is actually hosting is correct.

Divorced parents both appear on the invitation on separate lines, in the order that fits the couple's relationships. Step-parents are included when they are part of the household. When two families are unable to be listed together gracefully, the couple may host the invitation themselves.